Confidence..

Sometimes I find it so hard to be confident... especially confident in myself and my abilities. I feel that although I am an inteligent person, I do not have a lot of common sense. It's that common, practical sense that you need to make it in life. I don't know anything about money, finances, budgeting, etc, and I just keep making the same mistakes over and over. I really hate that about myself. Throughout all of our packing and moving lately, I have come across several journals that I have started over the past few years; some dating back as late as 2001!! The one thing that I realized is that no matter how long ago it was, I am still stuggling with the same issues. Marriage problems, finances, and my weight. I can say that I actually have been making some serious changes with regards to my weight - I've lost almost 25 lbs since May! However, the rest are just still the same.. year after year. What will it take to finally make some lasting changes? A long time ago, in a small group class, my (former) pastor's wife told us that "you will always get what you've always gotten if you always do what you've always done". I know that is so true, but why doesn't it ever sink in? That's where the lack of common sense comes in, I suppose. I just hate that I am still battling the same issues year after year.

This weekend, my kids and I are embarking on a brand new journey. We are moving in to our own house!! I am renting (for now), but it will be the first time that I've lived completely on my own. I am excited, yet terrified at the same time. I am so afraid that I will fail miserably at supporting myself and my kids. I am afraid that I won't be able to pay the bills, that I won't be able to establish a budget, and that I will be in over my head. I have no confidence in myself!! My experience leading up to now has been that of trying, making some changes for a few days, and then back to my old ways again. I want so much to be different! I want to actually be able to enjoy life, to sleep at night with peace of mind, and to be able to provide things for my kids - like vacations, new clothes when they need them, and being able to actually afford to do things for myself. I hate feeling like I'm a 30 year old teenager! I can't do anything without completely robbing Peter to pay Paul, and it shouldn't be that way. On paper, it works out that I should be able to comfortably support myself and my kids with extra at the end of the month. Instead, I am just scraping by, hand-to-mouth, paycheck-to-paycheck. I am sick of it!

Back to confidence... I sometimes feel so inadequate as an adult. I know that I got started so early in life, and I really didn't finish growing up myself before I had to start raising another little person. But I feel like enough time has gone by that I should be in a better place by now, and I don't want to be sitting here in July of 2009 feeling the same way! Change has to start now. Today.

Well, enough rambling for now! I just needed to get these thoughts out. More to come from our move!