Moving Forward...

I've decided that it is time to start moving forward with my life. I feel like for so many years I have just stayed in the same place. Not necessarily regressing, or going backward, but still, not moving forward. I have this thing about journals. I've bought so many of them, with the intention on using them as a place to not only record my thoughts, goals, frustrations, etc, but also for prayers and for talking to God. The sad thing is, aside from the fact that I write in them for a few days and then stop, is that when I see the date (some of them dating back as far as 1999) I am always in the same place. Emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. I am always having the same stuggles, the same worries, the same problems. I would like to think that over the years I have changed, grown, learned from my mistakes, but really, I haven't. And that really saddens me. How can I be 30 years old and still having the same problems that I've had all through my 20s? When do I grow up?
I believe in God's promise that anyone who lacks wisdom should ask and it will be given to them. I do lack wisdom. I need wisdom to learn from my mistakes and move on - I feel like I never truly learn, therefore I am still in the same place year after year. I'm tired of living in this sense of bondage! How can I truly live life and enjoy it when I feel so burdened?

On a brighter note, I can't believe it has been 6 months already that the kids and I have been on our own. 6 months of paying rent, paying bills, just living and being on our own. It has not been easy (not in the least!) but we are doing it. I'm still broke, and I can barely make it paycheck-to-paycheck, but I'm doing it. There are many things that I need to work on money-wise. I sat down with my boss' sister and talked finances with her. She helped me come up with basically a road map on paying my bills, spreading the money out over the month, and even saving. So, we'll see. I'm determined to be smarter with money. I also really, deeply want to tithe. I feel like it is an area that I need to be obedient in. I've never done it, and I think I am really hindering God's work in my life by my disobedience to Him. More prayers on that to come.

Corey and I are getting along so much better lately, but I really just don't know if we'll ever get back together. I know that deep in my heart I do not want a divorce. I want us to have a successful marriage and our family to be together. I think he is struggling with the same thing. We spent so many years just being together not only because it was the only thing we've known since we were sooo young, but basically for a lack of anywhere else to go. There is obviously a love there, but it had gotten so faded over time, and so many things wedged in between us and just really widened the gap so much that I worry that we can never recover. I think about it so much and ponder all of the mistakes that I made over the course of our marriage and wish that I could change so many things. I know that I can't, but it is hard not to look back with regret. I'd like to start trying to do little things to help repair the hurts and unresolved problems, but it's kind of like walking into a really messy house and having that overwhelmed feeling of not even knowing where to start. I know that the Lord knows, and that He is bigger than any of our problems. I know that He cares and doesn't want anyone's marriage to end in divorce. But I guess it's hard to just let go and trust. Something that I read in my small group book (Parent Fuel - good stuff!) was how so many parents are determined *not* to get divorced, that they may stay married forever, legally, but their hearts were divorced a long time ago. That is not what I want. Lord, help me to know what I need to do. Help me to let go, release my expectations and time frame, and trust that You can and will work in our lives.

Well, that's it for now. I've been struggling back and forth over whether I wanted to use this blog as my journal for this year, or if I wanted to add yet another paper journal to my growing collection. For now I think I'll use this blog.