Cue the chirping crickets...

I am so incredibly bored today. My office is so quiet!! I have a little busy work that I could be doing, but I just can't get motivated to do it. Maybe after I post this equally boring blog entry.

So, we're moving in 2 days!! I can't believe it. It some ways, it feels really strange and scary, because I've never lived on my own before - the only adult in charge. I am still so unsure about what is going to happen in my marriage, and still so tender from all of the emotional upheaval that has been going on lately, but I know that moving forward is a good thing. My grandma has been so gracious to us; doing whatever she can to make room for us, to help in any way that she can, and even doing all of our laundry! Bless her! But we definitely need our space. It has been very hard to adapt to this new life while being crammed into one bedroom with both of my kids. I had also really wanted to move before school starts, so it really is a good thing. I'm just so nervous and worried.

I also worry about Corey a lot - I know he's having a hard time managing all of the household bills plus a new car payment on his own. I have to stop myself from feeling like I adandoned him or something. HE should be giving ME money! Since I am the one taking care of the kids and all. I haven't really pushed that issue with him because I know that he has had a lot to adjust to as well. We'll get it figured out, though. I just hope he doesn't fall really behind on the house payments and end up in foreclosure. I seriously doubt that would happen, but it would be bad!! We really need to either sell the house or get it refinanced and out of my name! Then I will feel like I can truly move forward and not be tied to the house.

In other news, I am really going down in clothing sizes!! I can wear a regular 18 now, not a plus sized 18!! That is a huge milestone for me! I have been wearing plus sized clothes for a long time!! Since I had Taylor, at least, and that was 12 years ago! So, I am feeling very accomplished and excited. Shopping for clothes is starting to be so much more fun. It was something that I dreaded for a really long time.

I am in desperate need of some time away. I would really love to take my kids somewhere over Labor Day weekend; just the 3 of us. Maybe Savannah? Or even just the Emerald Point Resort at Lake Lanier would be fun. I'd save a ton on gas, too. I'll have to think about it. We just really need some time away as a little family!!

Speaking of things that I am desperately in need of: my eyebrows are scary!!! I need to get them waxed ASAP if not sooner. I had gotten really good about going once a month, but I've slacked off lately. Yikes!

Well, I need to find some work to do. It is only 1:15!! Ugh.

Confidence..

Sometimes I find it so hard to be confident... especially confident in myself and my abilities. I feel that although I am an inteligent person, I do not have a lot of common sense. It's that common, practical sense that you need to make it in life. I don't know anything about money, finances, budgeting, etc, and I just keep making the same mistakes over and over. I really hate that about myself. Throughout all of our packing and moving lately, I have come across several journals that I have started over the past few years; some dating back as late as 2001!! The one thing that I realized is that no matter how long ago it was, I am still stuggling with the same issues. Marriage problems, finances, and my weight. I can say that I actually have been making some serious changes with regards to my weight - I've lost almost 25 lbs since May! However, the rest are just still the same.. year after year. What will it take to finally make some lasting changes? A long time ago, in a small group class, my (former) pastor's wife told us that "you will always get what you've always gotten if you always do what you've always done". I know that is so true, but why doesn't it ever sink in? That's where the lack of common sense comes in, I suppose. I just hate that I am still battling the same issues year after year.

This weekend, my kids and I are embarking on a brand new journey. We are moving in to our own house!! I am renting (for now), but it will be the first time that I've lived completely on my own. I am excited, yet terrified at the same time. I am so afraid that I will fail miserably at supporting myself and my kids. I am afraid that I won't be able to pay the bills, that I won't be able to establish a budget, and that I will be in over my head. I have no confidence in myself!! My experience leading up to now has been that of trying, making some changes for a few days, and then back to my old ways again. I want so much to be different! I want to actually be able to enjoy life, to sleep at night with peace of mind, and to be able to provide things for my kids - like vacations, new clothes when they need them, and being able to actually afford to do things for myself. I hate feeling like I'm a 30 year old teenager! I can't do anything without completely robbing Peter to pay Paul, and it shouldn't be that way. On paper, it works out that I should be able to comfortably support myself and my kids with extra at the end of the month. Instead, I am just scraping by, hand-to-mouth, paycheck-to-paycheck. I am sick of it!

Back to confidence... I sometimes feel so inadequate as an adult. I know that I got started so early in life, and I really didn't finish growing up myself before I had to start raising another little person. But I feel like enough time has gone by that I should be in a better place by now, and I don't want to be sitting here in July of 2009 feeling the same way! Change has to start now. Today.

Well, enough rambling for now! I just needed to get these thoughts out. More to come from our move!

Fit For Fall!

I was browsing around on the Weight Watchers message boards today, and came across a forum for weightloss challenges. I decided to join one named "Fit for Fall". You post what your goal is, and then you answer accountability questions each day, about the previous day. The questions are:

Did you stay OP? (On plan)
Did you exercise?
Did you follow the healthy 8? (8 good health guidelines)
What is your goal for next week?

You can also post about little victories and breakthroughs, or things that you are having a hard time with. Anyway, the challenge is to make your goal by the first day of fall, which is September 22. My goal is to say good-bye to the 200s!!! I have been over 200 lbs for as long as I can remember. Since having my daughter, I'm sure. So, it will be a huge monument for me! I am believing in myself! I know I can do it.

My other mini-goals are to reach my 10% mark by my birthday (which is this Sunday, so we'll see!) and to start incorporating more jogging into my daily walks.

I just love this newfound focus on my health and well-being. I should have done this a looong time ago, but I'm glad to be on the right track now. It is a learning process. I'm having to re-learn how to live and undo all of the bad habits that I've been building up for the past decade. There are still some areas that I need to work on, but the determination is there. I know I will succeed!

Good Weekend..

We had a really nice long weekend for the 4th of July. I was off work on Friday (of course) and we spent the day and evening with my sister & brother-in-law at their house for a cook-out and fire works. It was nice to just be with family and not battle the huge crowds. I do admit that I did miss the large fireworks display that we normally go to see, but the kids had fun watching the neighbors set off the fireworks, so that's what matters. And the food was great! My b-i-l is definitely a grill master. :)

I was down 1.4 lbs at my weigh-in on Saturday. I've lost a total of 22.8 lbs so far! Less than 4 lbs to go for my 10% goal, and I am so excited! It is a good feeling to know that I've been sticking with something for almost 11 weeks now. I normally would have given up a long time ago. I've also been pushing myself to walk everyday, even when I don't feel like it. I know that the walking has had a lot to do with my weightloss progress.

Saturday was my little Tay-Tay's birthday. I can't believe she is 12!! Where does the time go? It doesn't seem like it has been 12 years. We had a pool party for her, and then dinner & cake at my Grandma's house. She had a nice day. She got $70 in birthday money, which has her absolutely beaming! She definitely hasn't hit teenager mode yet, though; when I suggested that she use some of her money for new clothes, she looked at me like I was crazy, and then said, very unwillingly, mind you, that she'd spend $10 on clothes. LOL!

There are lots of future blog posts swirling through my mind for the next few weeks - an update on things between my husband and I, budgeting, tithing, and the importance of me-time. I also really want to talk about how much I am dying to go back to school!!